Our Quiver-Full Story - Part Two

A Time of Unrest

After those 3 little girls we decided we were done; that our family was complete. The strange thing is how we, people who had clearly seen that God is fully in control of opening or closing a womb (NOT man), who also knew children were a great blessing, thought it was our choice to decide when we had enough children! Today I cannot grasp the fact that after what God had brought us through and taught us that we didn't look to God on this. My husband had the procedure done to prevent more children. I was okay with it at the time. I didn't have convictions against it. That's what you did when you got how many kids you wanted, right?

Well, a year later I became sad and began to struggle with what my purpose was. This lasted for quite some time. I had a feeling of unrest that I couldn't seem to fill. I realized later this began around the time I would have in the past been expecting another baby. I began to have a strong yearning for another child. When I saw large families that were open to however many children God desired to give them I had such admiration. I saw something so beautiful in it that I didn't even know how to explain. During that time God brought to mind a verse He had impressed upon my heart many years before when we were struggling to conceive:

Isaiah 54:2-4a "Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in desolate cities. "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated."

The Holy Spirit began to convict me. I began to felt great sorrow for the decision we had made for my husband to get a vasectomy. Upon remembering that passage that had been put on my heart so many years before I began to feel God had desired to give us more children and we had forfeited that blessing. In the Bible it says "Children are a blessing, a heritage from the Lord"; why did we think it was our choice to decide how many children was enough? Why would we want to turn away blessings? I cried out to God and asked Him to forgive us. I acknowledged that I knew HE was the one who had closed my womb and then opened it and asked for forgive us for not looking to Him in all things.

I knew God had forgiven me yet I felt confused. I continued to have such a strong yearning for more children and in May of 2008 I remember crying out to God saying "God, I don't understand! Why do I have this desire NOW after my husband had a vasectomy. Lord, I do believe you had more for us. Please don't let anything we have done get in the way of what you wanted for us! If you do not desire to give us more children then please take this yearning away from me."
The Holy Spirit clearly spoke to my heart that day and said "I do have more for you but you have got to get on the ball with what I have already given you!! You have 6 months go get on the ball!" Then, He repeated these same words to me. (For those who have not experienced the Holy Spirit responding in such a way I know you may not understand or believe this. This was the first time in my life I had so clearly heard such a direct response from my Lord.)
I took the 6 months to be literal and started praying that God would help me get on the ball!! I didn't want to miss out on what He had for us!

Next post: Our Quiver-full Story part 3 - A marriage spiralling